my daily reminder

For the past several years, especially this past year, I have felt “in transition.”  What I mean is, I haven’t really felt settled into my life and have always been waiting–somewhat impatiently–for the next thing. When I was in my senior year of high school, I just wanted to go to college. In my Freshman and Sophomore years, living in the dorms, I just wanted to move into an apartment. When I was a Junior, I just wanted to graduate, so I took summer classes so I could graduate early. All the while, wanting to be engaged to my serious boyfriend, who I had been dating since my junior year of high school. After he proposed, I was just ready to be married.  So here I am… A college graduate who is getting married in less than three months, living at home, and I realized that I have not felt settled or content for most of my life.  I think that’s just something in my nature.  Because I am so much of a planner, I have trouble living in the now as I am continually planning for the future.  And being engaged to a (soon to be) 2nd Lieutenant in the Air Force has really hindered my planned out lifestyle, as It wasn’t until two months ago that I knew where we would be living after we were getting married. Those are the kind of things that I feel like I need to know at least a year in advance just because of how obsessive I am about planning.

But I digress. What I’m trying to get at is, there is not reason for me not to enjoy what I am doing now, because I can’t control what happens in the future. I wish with all my being that I could, but I know that’s not something I am supposed to have control over.  So while I feel like I am being tortured because I live at home, 300 miles from the love of my life, I should really be thankful that I have this time to spend time with my family and save money for the road ahead.  I love my parents, my house is cozy, and my work hours are extremely flexible (I work in my grandparents’ service station that they have owned for 56 years). I should be praising God for how fortunate I am right now instead of wallowing in self-pity at the fact that I can’t get married tomorrow.

I think I’ve know that I have this problem for a while, but it wasn’t until last night that I really let my self address it. I had been somewhat down yesterday because I am getting to the point where I’m a little tired of planning things out and I’m just ready for them to happen. Last night for my devotional I read Ecclesiastes 3. The chapter is titled “A Time for Everything.”  It is a well-known chapter beginning off with, “There is time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot…” That last line made me stop and think.  There will be a time for me to settle. To plant my feet somewhere in my new life with my husband; but that time hasn’t come yet.  And I need to accept that. The author ends the chapter saying, “So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot.  For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?”  I know that God has a master plan, and I accept that fact that I can’t see outcome or even all of the steps.  I accept that with the bottom of my heart, but it stays in the back of my mind.

Today I caught myself wishing for something in the future, and I had to stop and say a little prayer to ask for patience, contentment, and piece of mind.  The future will come when it comes, but for now I am glad that I have this time to spend with my family before I move far away with my fiancé.  I will just need to remind myself daily of the importance of now, for we do not know what the future holds.

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